LONELINESS is a complex problem, though by its definition it is a condition of relationship disconnection, social awkwardness and lengthy bouts of solitude. That said, people can be lonely in company, in a relationship and in a crowd.
People who are lonely often struggle with anxiety and depression, which makes them insecure and even pessimistic about finding friendships.
Poor self-esteem and a sense of unworthiness or unattractiveness can prevent a lonely person from venturing into new relationships. They typically lack confidence and emotional energy to pursue new relationships, or even to nurture existing ones. At a chronic level loneliness can be emotionally and psychologically debilitating.
Loneliness isn’t just a result of being alone or an absence of friends. It is a deeper problem, caused by feelings of inadequacy, imperfection and shame. Chronically lonely people are often holding onto pessimistic and bleak predictions about the prospects of finding companionship, social connections and supportive relationships.
The lonely often suffer in silence, or they can even hide behind a facade of normality. While smiling and having fun, many manage to hide their feelings of loneliness. When around people they know, they pretend to be upbeat, positive and happy, while at the same time feeling unworthy and insecure. Since loneliness is a shame-based experience, it is typically kept a secret.
Lonely people are often in a catch-22 situation. Social opportunities seem a heavy burden, often associated with the potential of rejection. The more you feel lonely, the more you feel inept and unworthy. The more you believe no one will ever like or love you, the more you isolate yourself. It is a vicious circle. With the potential for rejection or abandonment, the lonely person is unable to put their best foot forward. Hence, loneliness feeds on itself.
Lonely people believe they are unworthy of healthy and mutually respectful relationships with loving, affirming and giving individuals. They imagine that if they tell someone they are lonely it will scare them away. Therefore, they are attracted to people who, like themselves, are similarly lonely, needy and insecure. As a result, the self-fulfilling prophecy is realised.
The causes of loneliness are many, including social, psychological and physiological factors. The major cause of chronic loneliness is often attributed to early developmental factors such as a child’s lack of attachment to their adult caregivers. Childhood neglect, abuse and abandonment are early factors that can eventually manifest into adult loneliness.
Building up one’s self-esteem and the ability to love, respect and care for yourself is fundamental in solving and healing the deeper psychological conditions that create chronic loneliness.
Considering loneliness can often be traced back to childhood, solving the present problem requires professional mental health services which will assist to heal and resolve these deeply embedded psychological wounds. Such reparative and healing work is well worth the time, effort and cost as it can help to release the vice-like grip that loneliness has on a person.
Life is too short to waste on suffering from core loneliness. Open up, take a chance and access the hidden part of you that deserves true and loving companions. Heal your childhood wounds. Learn to love yourself and eliminate loneliness from your life. Share your worries and fears with someone who you feel will support you.
Ten tips to battle and conquer loneliness