YOUR friend gets your joke. Your colleague at work offers congratulations. Your partner hugs you and says hello. They are all helping you beat stress and boost your wellbeing. In a study in the USA it was found that 71% of people surveyed turned to friends or family in times of stress.

This is not surprising as humans are social animals. We crave feeling supported, valued and connected with one another. Furthermore, research points to the benefits of social connection. In one compelling study, a key difference between very happy people and less-happy people was good relationships. Being connected leads to increased happiness.

Loneliness was associated with a higher risk of high blood pressure in a study of older people. This leads to bad health, and we know that good physical health promotes good mental health.

Having friends and family close can lead to a longer life. People with strong social and community ties were two to three times less likely to die during a nine-year study.

Sometimes connection can be a heart-to-heart, spill-it-all-out talk. However, it can also sometimes be just a laugh-out-loud e-mail.

Creating connections

Connection happens when you get the following; concrete help, such as having a friend pick your children up from school; emotional support, like hearing someone say ‘I’m really sorry you’re having such a tough time’; perspective, like being reminded that even the moodiest teenagers grow up and will change; advice, such as a suggestion to plan a weekly date with your wife; and, finally, validation, like learning that other people love doing something you do that is considered geeky!

Do you have enough support?

A writer once called her support network her ‘pit crew’, the people she could rely on to rev her up when she was low. Ask yourself if you have at least a few friends or family members who you feel comfortable to be with, who give you a sense that you could tell them anything, can help you solve problems, who make you feel valued and who take your concerns seriously.

Making friends

If you feel your current connections don’t provide enough support, you can take steps to form new ones. Consider these suggestions:

  • Enrol in a class that intrigues you. For a start, you’ll know your classmates already share a common interest
  • Join a book group, hiking club or other group. If you want to make your entry smoother, consider contacting the group’s leader in advance and explain your situation
  • Volunteer. Working together builds bonds, and helping others has its own rewards
  • Reach out – a lot. Especially if you’re in a completely new situation, like starting college. You may need to meet lots of people before finding some that suit you

    • If extreme shyness or anxiety prevents you from making friends, working with a therapist might help. Most importantly, it is vital to reach out to someone.

    Strengthening your relationships

    If you want to get more out of the relationships you already have, consider these steps:

    1. Make a list of the people you want to contact regularly. If necessary, add a reminder to your calendar to do so once a week or as you feel necessary

    2. Commit to a certain amount of time together each day or week, without mobiles or other distracting devices

    3. Listen really well. Repeat what you heard to make sure you understood

    4. Ask for specific kinds of help. Even the best of friends can’t read your mind, so spell out what you want

    5. Show how much you respect, support and appreciate your friends and family. You may think positive thoughts, but sharing them works wonders

    6. Move out of relationships that make you feel unsafe, lower your self-esteem or draw you into unhealthy habits, like abusing drugs, alcohol or gambling

    If you’re in a troubled relationship it is so important to work on it. Experts say a bad relationship can hurt you even more than a good one can help you. If your relationship is rocky, here are some suggestions:

    a) Take responsibility for your part in the problem

    b) Stay constructive and propose solutions. Be positive

    c) Consider how you might feel if you were the other person; try to put yourself in their shoes

    d) Try to focus on what you value about the other person

    If disagreements get intense, remember to ‘fight fair’. Consider ways to reduce the heat in such situations:

  • Avoid over-generalizing. Beware of statements like ‘You never pay attention to me.” Instead, make specific requests like ‘Could we spend an hour together soon?’
  • Avoid finger-pointing. Instead of blaming the other person, focus on how you feel with a statement such as ‘I feel upset when you come home and just read the newspaper’.
  • When appropriate, try to forgive - for your own sake. Research shows that forgiving reduces tension, depression and anxiety. Of course, letting go can be tough. Try to think about what stresses might have contributed to the other person’s behaviour, contemplate what’s good about that person, ask for an apology if that would help, and remember that forgiving doesn’t mean you’re saying the behaviour was acceptable

    • If you’re having trouble expressing your needs or getting them met, consider individual or couples therapy.

    Getting support from a group

    If you’re facing a particular stress, like a serious illness, you may want to get additional support beyond what your friends and family can offer. Support groups can provide concrete suggestions and information about the issue, people who can empathize with how you are feeling, a reminder that you’re not alone and get inspiration from seeing others coping well.

    You’ll likely benefit most from attending a group in person, since hearing someone’s voice and seeing the look on a person’s face can really deepen connection, but if there’s no group in your area, consider online support or discussion groups.

    You can also learn about support groups from your doctor, local hospital or community centre.