YOU were likely told to be kind to others when you were growing up. Kindness is a universal good – both on the giving and receiving end. Learn how it leads you to an improved state of well-being.

If there was one magical cure for many of the woes of the world, it might be the power of kindness. When the epidemic of stress, anxiety, and depression threatens to overload the medical system and impede progress toward a greater sense of common humanity, and when the world can seem more divided than united, giving and receiving kindness is a way to connect at a deeper level.

Kindness is a means of acknowledging that the needs of others are worthy of attention and that actions on their behalf are meaningful.

What is kindness?

According to positive psychology pioneers Martin Seligman and David Petersen in their book Character Strengths and Virtues, kindness refers to “doing favours and good deeds for others; helping them; taking care of them.” Kindness can be broken into two main categories - being kind and receiving kindness from others.

Humans are social creatures who historically needed connection to survive, and according to psychology professor Dacher Keltner, author of Born to Be Good, humans need kindness to help peacefully overcome conflicts and create cohesion.

These instincts can seem like actions outside your control (such as when you put your arm up to stop your passenger from flying forward if you brake suddenly), and yet kindness can be both instinctual and learned. Kindness helps you to see how you are similar rather than how you are different.

Giving kindness

Young children tend to help each other. Their desire to help seems innate. They do it without expectation of praise or reward. The act itself has a built-in reward - the pleasure of feeling useful. As they grow, this natural kindness is shaped by a culture that sometimes discourages collaboration by rewarding competition.

Children who engage in acts of kindness tend to be better connected, have higher levels of peer acceptance and are less likely to bully others. In adults, kindness is often one of the traits we seek in a partner. One study even showed that people who are kind were seen as more attractive physically!

Personality traits are directly tied to your perception of how physically attractive someone is.

You can encourage kindness through modelling acts of kindness; giving responsibilities and opportunities; inspiring positive actions toward others; and teaching empathy and compassion. Note that the list does not include rewards. Rewarding kind behaviour makes it less likely that a child will continue being helpful. People are good for goodness’s sake, not for applause.

How to show kindness

The great thing about kindness is that you have a free, lifetime, unlimited supply. The more you give, the more you have. Here are a few ways to get you started:

  • Listen
  • Smile
  • Hug
  • Hold a door for someone
  • Let someone into your lane while driving
  • Compliment a friend, co-worker or family member
  • Send a text to a loved one
  • Learn your partner’s ‘love language’, and then use it
  • Notice someone who seems lonely and invite them along with you
  • Let someone who wants to help you do so
  • Don’t offer advice unless asked
  • Share silence with someone
  • Engage in random acts of kindness
  • Engage in kind acts that are not random at all

    • Receiving kindness

    If you are like most people, you probably find it easier to be kind than to be on the receiving act of a kind act. When someone compliments you, do you reply: “it was nothing” or “no problem.” Many people have adopted this learned behaviour as a way of being humble, but what this actually does is constrict the flow of the energy of giving and receiving. If someone gives you a compliment, not receiving it stops its power for both the giver and the receiver.

    Sometimes receiving kindness and compassion can feel threatening, as though the one being kind is somehow superior. If you notice you have trouble receiving gifts, compliments or acts of generosity and love, spend some time reflecting on why. Who taught you to behave this way? Is it serving you and those around you?

    How to improve mental health

    The effects of kindness and mental health care are connected. Mental health happens on a continuum that ranges from mental illness and languishing to mental wellness and flourishing. You need to find the tools to achieve emotional well-being and mental clarity, allowing kindness to naturally develop within.

    No matter where you sit on that continuum, kindness and compassion have the ability to lift you toward flourishing - a state that is commonly described as one where you feel happy, engaged, energized and satisfied with life. This might be why volunteering and philanthropy feel so good. Being kind helps you to feel good and boosts your mood.

    The ripple effect

    Kindness begins with you. Then it involves another which turns the ‘me’ to ‘we’. Listen to the WBUR podcast called Kind World. Each episode shares a story that reminds listeners how a simple act of kindness changes the lives of both the individual being kind and the recipient. The ripple here also includes the listeners who are influenced simply by hearing stories of kindness.

    When kindness is authentically given and received it lifts the wellbeing and mood of everyone involved. There’s no downside or side effect of positive feelings. Kindness is good.