MONDAY

FIRST in the queue for the 1.55pm to Bristol, everyone else is in the bar. I wonder is there a correlation between Racing Post sales and bar takings at the airport: today there seems to be.

I settle in, scan through my mails before take off, one from Fintan, Chief of Brand Engagement (that’s his actual job title) reminding me about my “social responsibilities and their brand congruence”. I’m not really sure what congruence means but he’s basically talking about Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat and the like, not actually being socially responsible.

Time to grab a train, the plane was okay, I only got a few heckles. I book first class. I’ll explain it to accounts next week; the wad of expense receipts will be thick enough to choke a horse. Anyway I need to get away from the plebs, so first class it is. I fire out a few emails, prove I’m not on the sauce yet, and order a G & T.

I make it to the hotel in time to do my evening UK radio slot, 90 whole seconds on Easy Listening Drive Time South East. My day is finally done, a few texts to the press corps to see who’s up for a refreshment or two as I sort my outfits for the next four days. Navy suit on Tuesday, grey suit on Wednesday, checked suit on Thursday and back to the navy suit on Friday. I only actually own three suits.

The responses to the refreshments invitation are lukewarm from the press corps. I hit McDonalds then back to the hotel. I wrangled a radio slot for the morning so I set my alarm for 5.30am. I tweet a picture of it, with something about Christmas Eve and #Excitement

TUESDAY

I woke to the phone in my room ringing, weird. I check the mobile, it’s dead, Oh no.

I put on my breezy media voice: “Hell-oo.”

“It’s Fintan.” Oh no.

“Easy Listening Breakfast South East have been looking for you.”

I’m so dead.

“Where are you?”

He just called the landline in my room so I’m guessing that’s a rhetorical question. I blurt out “Phone’s dead, I’m on my way.”

I somehow make it to the track before the ITV show kicks off even though they treat us bookmaker reps like lepers. Thankfully Racing UK are more accommodating. They chat to me for nearly two minutes. I remind them about our specials (for new customers, on the app, between 8am and 9am tomorrow only) and what horses “have us over a barrel”. This is TV gold really and I can tell Tom Stanley is loving it. He cuts me off to go to ads and pretends to get my name wrong, just great banter between us. I’ll text, well, tweet him later as I don’t actually have his number.

Fintan scheduled a Facebook live session in the pressroom, me with a Racing Post (digital) journalist and our Brand Ambassador. He is a trainer but doesn’t actually have any runners at the festival this year. He does seem to be enjoying the hospitality though.

I do my Easy Listening Drive Time South East slot from the course. They loved that. They didn’t love me oversleeping, missing the morning show and not tipping a winner all day, but as always the banter is great and I got eight new Twitter followers. #Winning

WEDNESDAY

No mistake this morning. I was up and maybe still a shade tipsy, but definitely not late. After the radio slot, I surveyed the room to see if any damage limitation exercises needed to be carried out before I see everyone. No drunken tweets, no random numbers dialed, maybe I’m getting wiser.

I’m due on the Line up this morning on one of the racing channels; it’s basically me and about six other bookie reps with one of the ‘pro punters’. We look like we’re auditioning for the remake of Reservoir Dogs, but with less humanity. I shout over the others a bit, then head back to the pressroom.

Another mail from the Chief of Brand Engagement; he’s “a little disappointed with the level of social coverage and engagement’’. I feel like reminding him how my follower base has grown nearly 5% since Monday, but I’m a bit too hungover to slam him with alternative facts. Apparently, I need to whack out some “Snapchat stories” and “do a Periscope” later. I get straight on to it by Googling them.

Overall the day went well, I got on the main ITV coverage, well, you could see me in the press huddle. I’m not sure why we go in to the press huddle, but all the PRs do it. As long as Fintan and the boys in the trading room see me on TV, that’s what matters. I’ll do the Periscope thing later. #SocialKing

THURSDAY

I need to compose myself before going on the radio. My tipping hasn’t been the best so far this week and the guys on Easy Listening Breakfast South East are giving me a bit of stick. I assure them the Nap of the week runs today and we’ll get it all back.

Twitter has also been a shade unkind since last night. It turns out that Periscope is totally live; you don’t just record a clip and post it. So there I was preparing to make my video using the camera on my phone. I practised a few of my killer lines, checked my teeth, fixed the hair and outfit in the phone camera and after a couple of takes, totally nailed it, or not, as it transpired.

The whole lot was broadcast live on the company Twitter feed. Including the practiced lines, including me rearranging the crown jewels and I only copped once the online abuse started. It spread like wildfire, not just on Twitter either – Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, you name it, my posing mush was on there.

I popped out a jokey tweet Morto #EpicFail

It’s the most coverage I’ve gotten all week. It even trended on Buzzfeed. Fintan even emailed to congratulate me. He’s delighted.

At the course it’s all a bit of a blur really, my nap actually won and I enhanced it for the Easy Listening Breakfast South East listeners to 23/20 from 11/10. They’ll be delighted with that. A winner is a winner, and I’m off to celebrate. #Bubbles

FRIDAY

My head is thumping after the bubbles, you think I’d be used to it at this stage. I need to work out how to get some of these receipts through expenses without getting fired.

The Periscope incident has actually worked out quite well in the end, I got on Sky Sports News on the back of it. Their focus was more on “the incident” than the racing but I guess I am the brand really so I just went with it.

We do our final Facebook live session of the week just before the Triumph. Our Brand Ambassador is here, ready to go. He actually has a runner today, at Fakenham. At least it’ll give him something to put in his blog.

We “price boost” all of his runners as he is our Brand Ambassador and luckily for us his 2% strike-rate is ensuring this is not too costly. He used to have a bit of a reputation for landing gambles but now it seems his thirst for winners pales in comparison to his thirst for corporate hospitality. He has been a vocal critic of the Jockey Club’s decision to close the bar during the last race every day. I didn’t hear a word of complaint from him about them closing Kempton mind.

“Boosted Blog Backers Bash Bookies” goes the title of my final press release of the week. I’m proud of that, it may be the booze taking hold but I started to get emotional as I copied in my contacts list. Our intrepid trainer slash Brand Ambassador has only gone and pulled off a monster coup and we boosted every price from 50/1 down to 5/2. The thing nearly lapped them, hence a press release about Fakenham on Gold Cup day. You’d think he would have given us a clue, seems he can hold his booze and his tongue. I need to go home. #BrokenMan