CHELTENHAM is a most welcome suspension of reality every March. Four days of uninterrupted horseracing coverage, giving us a welcome break from real life and real news. This overheating rock is hurtling towards accelerated climate change induced oblivion so let’s go racing while we still can.

Unfortunately we can’t all go, so many of us will attempt to enjoy Cheltenham though traditional and social media. This can be a truly godforsaken experience, so here’s what you can expect, along with a suggestion or two to make it easier.

1 AFTERTIMING

The internet age is a magical one, everyone can express themselves to the world. They can be who they want to be. See what they want to see. And they can back whatever horse that want to back.

The phenomenon of aftertiming, or the Labaik effect, hits its annual peak from 2.35pm on Tuesday afternoon until about 15 minutes after the Gold Cup on Friday. Avoiding this is crucial to enjoying your week on social media. It can be a tricky process as winning money on the horses can have a strange effect on people.

Two tips: unfollow the suspects on Monday afternoon, because we all have an idea who might be susceptible to such activities. Secondly, go to your Twitter settings and mute the word “boom”, also any versions with more than two Os, such as “booooom”. This should weed the majority of them from your timeline.

2 DEBATES WILL RAGE

People are unsatisfiable. At least either Apple’s Jade or Laurina will taste defeat on Tuesday. This will be used as justification as to why one of them should have run in the mares’ race.

“Sure, that’s what it’s there for. And look at the state of that race now; sure Benie was given a freebie.’’

Then on Wednesday

“Altior has to step up in trip, sure there’s nothing to beat him over two miles and he scares everything off.

“Altior can’t step up in trip, he’s absolutely brilliant over two miles, he’s untouchable. He can become the all time great Champion Chaser by winning three in a row and a five-time festival winner.’

‘Yeah, but all over two miles.’

FIVE-TIME FESTIVAL WINNER.

“Quevega won six.

“You said a minute ago there shouldn’t be a mares’ race – it dilutes the festival.”

… and on and on and on and on, and we love it.

3 THERE WILL BE HISTORY

The Champion Hurdle looks the best renewal in a few years. Buveur D’Air is an underappreciated champ, and looks like he will have to put up a lifetime best to make the history books.

Even if he does join the Hall of Famers, it doesn’t feel like it would take much to knock Buveur off the front page. If he was a football club, he’s probably Chelsea under Mourinho, receiving begrudging respect, but as welcome a sight in the winners’ enclosure as a Premier League footballer at your daughter’s 21st birthday.

Not just Buveur D’Air and whatever he achieves, but potentially, Tiger Roll, Altior and Native River.

There could be more festival success for female riders, Last year Lizzie Kelly and Bridget Andrews became the first female professionals to ride winners at the Cheltenham Festival.

Were Rachael Blackmore, one of the stars of Jump Girls, to do the same this year it would not be out of turn for the rider second in the jockeys’ title race over here.

Here, and instances like these, is generally where there will be a notable contrast between TV and social media coverage. TV will be the parade; social media will bring the rain.

4 FAWNING

There will be fawning. It’s not often so many eyes are focused on the world of racing. (If you need the exact number, the ITV presenters tweet them simultaneously as soon as they are published.)

Such attention leads to a collective hyper self-awareness. This especially affects those broadcasting the sport. The coverage this week will make North Korea’s state televison service look impartial.

Everything is awesome is the theme tune to coverage of the week at Cheltenham. All previous indiscretions by anyone lucky enough to be in the winners’ enclosure this week, will at least minimized, at best whitewashed completely.

If anything the Brexiteers have missed a trick here. If Farage, Boris and the Boys of Brexit wanted to get a bit of soft PR they should just club together and buy one of the favourites.

Nigel Farage could then go on the Opening Show and prove he’s a man of the people as he joshes with Matt Chapman over what price they both backed Leave at before the referendum.

Horse racing is the arguing couple and this is the week when Father Ted calls in.

5 TEARS

There will be tears, of joy, frustration, invariably of sadness, relief and crocodile ones from the bookmaker PRs.

There have been legendary tears in sport over the years and Katie Walsh’s last year provided a magical emotionally-layered moment. Her joy, undermined by the worry all day for her injured brother, relief he was going to be okay after his fall (or at least by jockey standards).

And of course she knew, even if the viewers didn’t, that this would be her last Cheltenham Festival dance. Tears were the only logical expression of such a maelstrom of emotion. Such moments of raw intensity are beautiful in their spontaneous and unscripted nature. Any attempt to force or pre-empt them can feel cheap and a little more Hollywood than horseracing.

On Thursday the potential sight of a man leading up a horse, Paisley Park, he has never seen due to blindness since birth, into the heaving enclosure, will tug on the heartstrings.

However, should Kayley Woollacott and her #smalltrainer (three-year-old daughter Bella) taste Arkle success with the gentle giant Lalor (BFF of #smalltrainer), the reaction could negate any potential watering requirements, and will restore some much needed faith in humanity.